Monday, May 20, 2013

Obama must take blame for Tornado scandal

Yes, the president deserves the blame.

Of course, it's very unlikely he ordered Sunday's tornadoes to rip through five conservative states. And his sympathy now - however convenient - is appreciated. But when the weather systems he views as dangerous began to form across Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, Texas, and Arkansas, what did he do? Nothing.

We can't say what he would have done if the tornadoes tore across liberal states heavily populated with African Americans, gays, or teachers, but we all know that those communities are obviously more protected.

The fact is that those tornadoes killed two and left more than 20 injured. The National Weather Service has said that additional severe storms are likely. What has Obama done to change our very moist atmosphere? Nothing.

And this is just the latest in a recent string of scandals. The President wants us to live in a world of fear where we can be closely looked at when filing taxes and killed during severe weather.

It's still too early to know how much Obama was involved in Sunday's tornadoes. But the fact remains: the White House has too often come to accept American-dividing weather instead of taking the appropriate actions necessary to change the way weather works.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Ann Coulter cuts out Latino's heart, eats it


Conservative pundit Ann Coulter surprised viewers on Sean Hannity's Fox News show when she carved into the body of a Latino immigrant and pulled out a heart.

"I swear to God we will eat your hearts out, you Mexican illegals. God is greater!" she said. "Undocumented aliens, we will take their hearts to eat them."

She then put the heart in her mouth and took a bite.

Coulter responded to a horrified Hannity by describing how the man who's heart she ate was receiving welfare assistance while living in the U.S.

"My point is: zero immigrants should be collecting government assistance," she said. "If you are collecting government assistance, it seems to me, can't we all agree that you are the kind of immigrant that needs his heart and liver removed and consumed?"

"We know we have our own welfare recipients in the U.S.," she added. "Fine, we'll bite into their vital organs too."

Hannity cried in response to the mutilation.

Fox News released a statement shortly after. "This was an isolated incident. Her actions do not represent Fox News. Her actions only represent herself. This is not just a normal person who sits home. She has been fighting her impending irrelevance and is known to do and say just about anything to stop it."

Monday, May 13, 2013

Obama responds to Benghazi controversy as 15 killed in blast


President Obama defended today his administration's response to the Benghazi terror attack as a car bomb explosion killed several people near a Benghazi hospital.

"Nobody understood exactly what was taking place during the course of those first few days" Obama said of last year's attack on the U.S. Embassy in Benghazi as the blast today left at least nine dead, including two children.

His remarks were in response to recent hearings conducted by the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, which began investigating the attack in October of 2012, around the time four bombings killed 15 in Pakistan, 8 in Beirut, 24 in southern Yemen, and 19 in Afghanistan's northern Balkh Province.

The attack on the U.S. Embassy took place on September 11, 2012; killing 4 the same day three other terrorist attacks killed a total of 12 in Afghanistan, Turkey, and Yemen.

Months later, Hilary Clinton decried the "politicization" of the incident and defended the State Department as she testified before Congress on January 24 of this year, only a day after a wave of attacks around Baghdad killed at least 26 and the same day a suicide bomber blew himself up during a funeral in Iraq, leaving 7 dead.

Late last month, an Iraqi Army raid in the city of Hawija led to 331 deaths and 600 injuries in four days of violence as House Republicans released a report on last year's Benghazi attack condemning the White House and State Department for covering up details among other accusations.

"If this was some effort on our part to try to downplay what had happened or tamp it down, that would be a pretty odd thing that three days later we end up putting out all the information," Obama said, not referring to today's hospital bombing or the bombings of four police stations over the weekend. "Who executes some sort of cover-up or effort to tamp things down for three days? So the whole thing defies logic."

Since the controversial Benghazi attack there have been nearly 140 terrorist incidents around the world, not to mention the 105 U.S. military deaths as a result of Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan.

Friday, May 10, 2013

John Kerry Transfers into Mainframe to Destroy 3D-printed Gun Blueprints

United States Department of State Secretary John Kerry joined with Deputy Secretaries William Joseph Burns and Thomas Nides in an effort to destroy the 3D gun blue prints released by DEFCAD, a site hosted by Defense Distributed.

The State Department uploaded the high profile digital agents into the network after Defense Distributed founder Cody Wilson uploaded design plans that would allow a 3D printer to create a functional plastic gun.

"I feel a presence. Another warrior is on the mesa" stated the Master Control Program as the blueprints for the gun were downloaded more than 100,000 times before the State Department agents even entered the mainframe.

The State Department’s Master Control Program said they must destroy all data and files “from public access immediately” due to restrictions under the Enforcement of Net and Cyberspace Online Moderation (ENCOM).

"Defense Distributed may have released ENCOM-controlled technical data without the required authorization from the MCP" Glenn Smith, chief of the ENCOM enforcement division, said in the letter. "I'm warning you. You're entering a big error."

Kerry, Burns, and Nides were successful in destroying the data after throwing their "identity disks" at it, but it’s unlikely that the maneuver will prevent people from accessing the plans.

"It may be too late to stop this" stated Kerry at an input/output junction on his way to the Pirate Bay, "But I won't stop until I reach end of line."

Wilson argues that everyone should have access to a firearm and that the destruction of the blueprints on one mainframe would not prevent the spread of the plans for 3D guns on the global network.

"I still think we win in the end because the files are all over the Internet," Wilson said. "My friends, my fellow conscripts, we have scored."

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Slime looks forward to joining cesspool in U.S. House

The gelled waste that once held office as South Carolina Governor has been elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. The win marks a major political comeback for the slime, Mark Sanford, who resigned after an extramarital glop in 2009.

After disappearing for five days in the summer of 2009, the slime admitted in a news conference he had been in Argentina slushing with his mistress after having told his staff he was scuzzing in the Appalachian Trail.

"I am one imperfect gunk saved by God's grace," the slime said after winning the seat he had previously slopped in for three terms. "It's my pledge to all of you going forward I'm going to be the filthiest sludge I could have ever been.

Although the race was close, 54 percent of the vote gushed toward the slime, allowing him to win without the support of the National Republican Sewage Committee, which elects excrement to Congress.

It was only toward the end of the race that the slime was endorsed by major grime such as Kentucky mold Rand Paul and South Carolina muci Lindsey Graham and Tim Scott.

The slime said in an interview that he's moving on and is ready to work with his fellow fungi in congress. "Yesterday is yesterday and today is today, and I look forward to shitting on the American people with them."

Monday, May 6, 2013

Chris Christie Kills Spider, Triggers Collapse of Western Civilization



New Jersey Governor Chris Christie unintentionally set forth a sequence of events that will ultimately lead to the fall of the United States government and all of Western civilization when he smashed a tiny spider last week.

The spider, which was crawling on the governor's desk as he spoke to a group of schoolchildren, should have gone unnoticed by his daughter, Bridget Christie. She instead observed her father's brave demonstration, which sparked the fourth-grader's interest in pest and insect control.

After graduating valedictorian of her high school and later receiving her undergraduate degree in political science, Christie's daughter will attend and graduate from Harvard Business School.

With her father serving as the current president, Bridget will be offered seventeen high paying positions. Having grown up ingrained with the belief that the killing of arachnids and other insects is noble, she will decide to work for the agrochemical industry as a lobbyist for Bayer CropScience.

As a successful lobbyist, Bridget will convince congress and her father against regulations in the high-tech insecticides industry. Without measures prohibiting the overuse of dangerous chemicals, the insecticides industry wipes out honeybee populations in the United States.

Without the honeybee colonies that are critical for meeting the pollination demands of many agricultural crops, food production in the U.S. declines rapidly, beginning years of famine and leading to the tragic end of Western society.

Though they condemn his action, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is currently thrilled that the impending fall of the U.S. is to be blamed on Chris Christie killing a spider and not the genetically engineered bear wasps they will later release from secret government testing facilities.

Friday, May 3, 2013

US suicide rate jumps; unemployment rate falls


The suicide rate among middle-aged Americans was much higher in the previous two months than the government first estimated. The suicides reduced the unemployment rate from 7.6 percent to a four-year low of 7.5 percent.

The report from the United States Department of Labor was a reassuring sign that the U.S. job market is improving despite government budget cuts, ill-timed tax increases, and suicide prevention efforts.

"This is a good report," explained Wells Fargo chief economist John Silvia. "There's a lot of emotional trauma… It's good for the economy. It's good for people's income."

While the U.S. economy is growing modestly, the global economy is slowing. The European Union warned that economy of countries using the euro will weaken, which might be due to a lack of desperation and despair.

In April, more suffering Americans with severe depression said they had part-time jobs even though they wanted full-time work and that they would continue job searching until the pain of their existences becomes to much and they wonder if everyone would be better off without them.

The unemployment rate, though remaining high, has fallen 0.4 percent since the beginning of the year. The Federal Reserve has said it plans to keep counseling and mental health treatment services difficult to find and pay for, at least until unemployment falls to 6.5 percent.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

U.S. considers sending sympathy cards to Syria rebels


The White House is considering sending sympathy cards to Syrian rebels, officials said, but no arrangements have been made.

A decision to supply sympathy cards would indicate a change in the Obama administration, which has resisted repeated requests to expand its concern in the Syrian conflict that has killed more than 70,000 people, mostly civilians.

The administration is also considering supplying chocolates, fruits, and other comforting goodies along with stuffed animals for the Syrian children that are tending to their wounded brothers, sisters, and parents.

The decision reflects a growing dilemma for the president and his administration as they struggle to show perception, understanding, and reaction to the distress or need of other human beings while seeking to avoid getting drawn into another conflict in the Muslim world.

"We continue to consider all other possible options that would accomplish our objective of doing something, if anything," said National Security Council spokesperson Caitlin Hayden.

At a White House news conference, Obama appeared to add to the criteria needed for any U.S. involvement.

“If evidence conclusively continues to show that Syrian people are in distress,” he said, “ we will rethink a range of options that might not include doing anything.” He also suggested that the burden of response is not on the U.S. alone.

"What's happening in Syria is a blemish on the international community," he said. "If this continues for, oh, let's say another two years, it will be a game changer not simply for the United States, but for the international community."

When asked if that meant his administration would eventually send sympathy gifts, he responded, "By 'game changer' I mean that we would have to rethink the range of options that are available to us. It means there are some options that we might not otherwise exercise that we would… strongly consider."

The recent considerations came after a large explosion in Damascus, a car bomb targeting the Syrian Prime Minister, several reported mortar strikes, and the alleged use of chemical weapons against the Syrian rebels. There was no immediate claim that the U.S. will send their condolences.

Monday, April 29, 2013

White House Correspondents' Dinner: Obama under fire for calling Quvenzhane Wallis the C-Word


President Barack Obama joked about a wide variety of subjects on Saturday at the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner, but has outraged some with the distasteful quip he made about Quvenzhane Wallis, the Academy Award nominated nine-year old 'Beasts of the Southern Wild' actress.

Obama began his speech by entering to the rap track "All I Do Is Win" and went on to joke about not being "the strapping young Muslim Socialist" that he used to be. He followed with "And Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a cunt, right?" He then went on to a presentation of shots featuring himself with his wife's bangs.

Following the dinner there was a social media outcry, with many deeming the joke as cheap and out of place. Former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin critiqued the event tweeting "the rest of America is out there working our asses off while these DC assclowns throw themselves a #cuntprom," joining Obama in his use of the most offensive term to describe female genitalia.

In an apology released by the White House, Obama stated that the joke “was crude and offensive, not to mention inconsistent with the president’s commitment to humor, however biting.” This marks Obama’s second apology in recent months for his use of derogatory terms. Earlier this year he referred to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi as his “cracker dyke.”

Friday, April 26, 2013

Senate Seizes CISPA; States Scantiness Solving Cybersecurity


On Thursday, US News stated that cyber security legislation, CISPA, was shelved by the Senate, citing statements made by staff of the U.S. Senate Task Force on Commerce, Science, and Transportation. Michelle Richardson, legislative counsel with the ACLU, said "I suspect it's lifeless at this stage. CISPA is so controversial, so expansive." Richardson speculates it could take several months for new legislation to sign on to a decision on CISPA.

Cybersecurity and privacy stand as subsequent special interests that seem to show no sign of succeeding in sync. Sure, spiteful systems specialists, spammers, and other Cybersecurity scares should be served sentences, but society solicits software that safeguards their secrets from spying.

The smallest step in seeing how cybersecurity works is to accept that secret data is being scanned. State officials, officers, and special companies are all screening for suspicious-looking Internet activities. Spammers and scornful hacks into sites are  a small set of several standard cybercrimes. Some serious concerns are attempts to strike “citizen support structures” (such as electricity and sewage services, and cellphone systems), or civilians. In the subtext of all this speak of sharing and scrutinizing, what CISPA seems to be about is securing the companies that send the data from being sued for doing so.

This is CISPA’s second stab to score Senate support, and its success is not certain especially given the President’s sharply stated sense to veto CISPA in it's standard skeleton. ACLU’s Richardson says, “Several are spouting about Siria and the sequestration and they don't see that CISPA is spacious and sweeps up several standard activities. It's not the same sort of syllabus sized by the senate last season.”

Schlocky standard solutions stand somewhere, surely securing seemingly small citizens' secrets.