Monday, May 20, 2013

Obama must take blame for Tornado scandal

Yes, the president deserves the blame.

Of course, it's very unlikely he ordered Sunday's tornadoes to rip through five conservative states. And his sympathy now - however convenient - is appreciated. But when the weather systems he views as dangerous began to form across Oklahoma, Kansas, Missouri, Texas, and Arkansas, what did he do? Nothing.

We can't say what he would have done if the tornadoes tore across liberal states heavily populated with African Americans, gays, or teachers, but we all know that those communities are obviously more protected.

The fact is that those tornadoes killed two and left more than 20 injured. The National Weather Service has said that additional severe storms are likely. What has Obama done to change our very moist atmosphere? Nothing.

And this is just the latest in a recent string of scandals. The President wants us to live in a world of fear where we can be closely looked at when filing taxes and killed during severe weather.

It's still too early to know how much Obama was involved in Sunday's tornadoes. But the fact remains: the White House has too often come to accept American-dividing weather instead of taking the appropriate actions necessary to change the way weather works.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Ann Coulter cuts out Latino's heart, eats it


Conservative pundit Ann Coulter surprised viewers on Sean Hannity's Fox News show when she carved into the body of a Latino immigrant and pulled out a heart.

"I swear to God we will eat your hearts out, you Mexican illegals. God is greater!" she said. "Undocumented aliens, we will take their hearts to eat them."

She then put the heart in her mouth and took a bite.

Coulter responded to a horrified Hannity by describing how the man who's heart she ate was receiving welfare assistance while living in the U.S.

"My point is: zero immigrants should be collecting government assistance," she said. "If you are collecting government assistance, it seems to me, can't we all agree that you are the kind of immigrant that needs his heart and liver removed and consumed?"

"We know we have our own welfare recipients in the U.S.," she added. "Fine, we'll bite into their vital organs too."

Hannity cried in response to the mutilation.

Fox News released a statement shortly after. "This was an isolated incident. Her actions do not represent Fox News. Her actions only represent herself. This is not just a normal person who sits home. She has been fighting her impending irrelevance and is known to do and say just about anything to stop it."

Monday, May 13, 2013

Obama responds to Benghazi controversy as 15 killed in blast


President Obama defended today his administration's response to the Benghazi terror attack as a car bomb explosion killed several people near a Benghazi hospital.

"Nobody understood exactly what was taking place during the course of those first few days" Obama said of last year's attack on the U.S. Embassy in Benghazi as the blast today left at least nine dead, including two children.

His remarks were in response to recent hearings conducted by the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, which began investigating the attack in October of 2012, around the time four bombings killed 15 in Pakistan, 8 in Beirut, 24 in southern Yemen, and 19 in Afghanistan's northern Balkh Province.

The attack on the U.S. Embassy took place on September 11, 2012; killing 4 the same day three other terrorist attacks killed a total of 12 in Afghanistan, Turkey, and Yemen.

Months later, Hilary Clinton decried the "politicization" of the incident and defended the State Department as she testified before Congress on January 24 of this year, only a day after a wave of attacks around Baghdad killed at least 26 and the same day a suicide bomber blew himself up during a funeral in Iraq, leaving 7 dead.

Late last month, an Iraqi Army raid in the city of Hawija led to 331 deaths and 600 injuries in four days of violence as House Republicans released a report on last year's Benghazi attack condemning the White House and State Department for covering up details among other accusations.

"If this was some effort on our part to try to downplay what had happened or tamp it down, that would be a pretty odd thing that three days later we end up putting out all the information," Obama said, not referring to today's hospital bombing or the bombings of four police stations over the weekend. "Who executes some sort of cover-up or effort to tamp things down for three days? So the whole thing defies logic."

Since the controversial Benghazi attack there have been nearly 140 terrorist incidents around the world, not to mention the 105 U.S. military deaths as a result of Operation Enduring Freedom in Afghanistan.

Friday, May 10, 2013

John Kerry Transfers into Mainframe to Destroy 3D-printed Gun Blueprints

United States Department of State Secretary John Kerry joined with Deputy Secretaries William Joseph Burns and Thomas Nides in an effort to destroy the 3D gun blue prints released by DEFCAD, a site hosted by Defense Distributed.

The State Department uploaded the high profile digital agents into the network after Defense Distributed founder Cody Wilson uploaded design plans that would allow a 3D printer to create a functional plastic gun.

"I feel a presence. Another warrior is on the mesa" stated the Master Control Program as the blueprints for the gun were downloaded more than 100,000 times before the State Department agents even entered the mainframe.

The State Department’s Master Control Program said they must destroy all data and files “from public access immediately” due to restrictions under the Enforcement of Net and Cyberspace Online Moderation (ENCOM).

"Defense Distributed may have released ENCOM-controlled technical data without the required authorization from the MCP" Glenn Smith, chief of the ENCOM enforcement division, said in the letter. "I'm warning you. You're entering a big error."

Kerry, Burns, and Nides were successful in destroying the data after throwing their "identity disks" at it, but it’s unlikely that the maneuver will prevent people from accessing the plans.

"It may be too late to stop this" stated Kerry at an input/output junction on his way to the Pirate Bay, "But I won't stop until I reach end of line."

Wilson argues that everyone should have access to a firearm and that the destruction of the blueprints on one mainframe would not prevent the spread of the plans for 3D guns on the global network.

"I still think we win in the end because the files are all over the Internet," Wilson said. "My friends, my fellow conscripts, we have scored."

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Slime looks forward to joining cesspool in U.S. House

The gelled waste that once held office as South Carolina Governor has been elected to the U.S. House of Representatives. The win marks a major political comeback for the slime, Mark Sanford, who resigned after an extramarital glop in 2009.

After disappearing for five days in the summer of 2009, the slime admitted in a news conference he had been in Argentina slushing with his mistress after having told his staff he was scuzzing in the Appalachian Trail.

"I am one imperfect gunk saved by God's grace," the slime said after winning the seat he had previously slopped in for three terms. "It's my pledge to all of you going forward I'm going to be the filthiest sludge I could have ever been.

Although the race was close, 54 percent of the vote gushed toward the slime, allowing him to win without the support of the National Republican Sewage Committee, which elects excrement to Congress.

It was only toward the end of the race that the slime was endorsed by major grime such as Kentucky mold Rand Paul and South Carolina muci Lindsey Graham and Tim Scott.

The slime said in an interview that he's moving on and is ready to work with his fellow fungi in congress. "Yesterday is yesterday and today is today, and I look forward to shitting on the American people with them."

Monday, May 6, 2013

Chris Christie Kills Spider, Triggers Collapse of Western Civilization



New Jersey Governor Chris Christie unintentionally set forth a sequence of events that will ultimately lead to the fall of the United States government and all of Western civilization when he smashed a tiny spider last week.

The spider, which was crawling on the governor's desk as he spoke to a group of schoolchildren, should have gone unnoticed by his daughter, Bridget Christie. She instead observed her father's brave demonstration, which sparked the fourth-grader's interest in pest and insect control.

After graduating valedictorian of her high school and later receiving her undergraduate degree in political science, Christie's daughter will attend and graduate from Harvard Business School.

With her father serving as the current president, Bridget will be offered seventeen high paying positions. Having grown up ingrained with the belief that the killing of arachnids and other insects is noble, she will decide to work for the agrochemical industry as a lobbyist for Bayer CropScience.

As a successful lobbyist, Bridget will convince congress and her father against regulations in the high-tech insecticides industry. Without measures prohibiting the overuse of dangerous chemicals, the insecticides industry wipes out honeybee populations in the United States.

Without the honeybee colonies that are critical for meeting the pollination demands of many agricultural crops, food production in the U.S. declines rapidly, beginning years of famine and leading to the tragic end of Western society.

Though they condemn his action, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is currently thrilled that the impending fall of the U.S. is to be blamed on Chris Christie killing a spider and not the genetically engineered bear wasps they will later release from secret government testing facilities.

Friday, May 3, 2013

US suicide rate jumps; unemployment rate falls


The suicide rate among middle-aged Americans was much higher in the previous two months than the government first estimated. The suicides reduced the unemployment rate from 7.6 percent to a four-year low of 7.5 percent.

The report from the United States Department of Labor was a reassuring sign that the U.S. job market is improving despite government budget cuts, ill-timed tax increases, and suicide prevention efforts.

"This is a good report," explained Wells Fargo chief economist John Silvia. "There's a lot of emotional trauma… It's good for the economy. It's good for people's income."

While the U.S. economy is growing modestly, the global economy is slowing. The European Union warned that economy of countries using the euro will weaken, which might be due to a lack of desperation and despair.

In April, more suffering Americans with severe depression said they had part-time jobs even though they wanted full-time work and that they would continue job searching until the pain of their existences becomes to much and they wonder if everyone would be better off without them.

The unemployment rate, though remaining high, has fallen 0.4 percent since the beginning of the year. The Federal Reserve has said it plans to keep counseling and mental health treatment services difficult to find and pay for, at least until unemployment falls to 6.5 percent.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

U.S. considers sending sympathy cards to Syria rebels


The White House is considering sending sympathy cards to Syrian rebels, officials said, but no arrangements have been made.

A decision to supply sympathy cards would indicate a change in the Obama administration, which has resisted repeated requests to expand its concern in the Syrian conflict that has killed more than 70,000 people, mostly civilians.

The administration is also considering supplying chocolates, fruits, and other comforting goodies along with stuffed animals for the Syrian children that are tending to their wounded brothers, sisters, and parents.

The decision reflects a growing dilemma for the president and his administration as they struggle to show perception, understanding, and reaction to the distress or need of other human beings while seeking to avoid getting drawn into another conflict in the Muslim world.

"We continue to consider all other possible options that would accomplish our objective of doing something, if anything," said National Security Council spokesperson Caitlin Hayden.

At a White House news conference, Obama appeared to add to the criteria needed for any U.S. involvement.

“If evidence conclusively continues to show that Syrian people are in distress,” he said, “ we will rethink a range of options that might not include doing anything.” He also suggested that the burden of response is not on the U.S. alone.

"What's happening in Syria is a blemish on the international community," he said. "If this continues for, oh, let's say another two years, it will be a game changer not simply for the United States, but for the international community."

When asked if that meant his administration would eventually send sympathy gifts, he responded, "By 'game changer' I mean that we would have to rethink the range of options that are available to us. It means there are some options that we might not otherwise exercise that we would… strongly consider."

The recent considerations came after a large explosion in Damascus, a car bomb targeting the Syrian Prime Minister, several reported mortar strikes, and the alleged use of chemical weapons against the Syrian rebels. There was no immediate claim that the U.S. will send their condolences.

Monday, April 29, 2013

White House Correspondents' Dinner: Obama under fire for calling Quvenzhane Wallis the C-Word


President Barack Obama joked about a wide variety of subjects on Saturday at the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner, but has outraged some with the distasteful quip he made about Quvenzhane Wallis, the Academy Award nominated nine-year old 'Beasts of the Southern Wild' actress.

Obama began his speech by entering to the rap track "All I Do Is Win" and went on to joke about not being "the strapping young Muslim Socialist" that he used to be. He followed with "And Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a cunt, right?" He then went on to a presentation of shots featuring himself with his wife's bangs.

Following the dinner there was a social media outcry, with many deeming the joke as cheap and out of place. Former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin critiqued the event tweeting "the rest of America is out there working our asses off while these DC assclowns throw themselves a #cuntprom," joining Obama in his use of the most offensive term to describe female genitalia.

In an apology released by the White House, Obama stated that the joke “was crude and offensive, not to mention inconsistent with the president’s commitment to humor, however biting.” This marks Obama’s second apology in recent months for his use of derogatory terms. Earlier this year he referred to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi as his “cracker dyke.”

Friday, April 26, 2013

Senate Seizes CISPA; States Scantiness Solving Cybersecurity


On Thursday, US News stated that cyber security legislation, CISPA, was shelved by the Senate, citing statements made by staff of the U.S. Senate Task Force on Commerce, Science, and Transportation. Michelle Richardson, legislative counsel with the ACLU, said "I suspect it's lifeless at this stage. CISPA is so controversial, so expansive." Richardson speculates it could take several months for new legislation to sign on to a decision on CISPA.

Cybersecurity and privacy stand as subsequent special interests that seem to show no sign of succeeding in sync. Sure, spiteful systems specialists, spammers, and other Cybersecurity scares should be served sentences, but society solicits software that safeguards their secrets from spying.

The smallest step in seeing how cybersecurity works is to accept that secret data is being scanned. State officials, officers, and special companies are all screening for suspicious-looking Internet activities. Spammers and scornful hacks into sites are  a small set of several standard cybercrimes. Some serious concerns are attempts to strike “citizen support structures” (such as electricity and sewage services, and cellphone systems), or civilians. In the subtext of all this speak of sharing and scrutinizing, what CISPA seems to be about is securing the companies that send the data from being sued for doing so.

This is CISPA’s second stab to score Senate support, and its success is not certain especially given the President’s sharply stated sense to veto CISPA in it's standard skeleton. ACLU’s Richardson says, “Several are spouting about Siria and the sequestration and they don't see that CISPA is spacious and sweeps up several standard activities. It's not the same sort of syllabus sized by the senate last season.”

Schlocky standard solutions stand somewhere, surely securing seemingly small citizens' secrets.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Massive manhunt for Boston bombing suspect, I think


This photo may or may not have something to do with it
Law enforcement in the city of Boston, and I'm pretty sure it's Boston, are engaged in a massive sweep for maybe one or two…possibly three suspects in the Boston Marathon bombing. The chase began last night…or possibly early this morning…when an MIT campus officer was shot or somehow killed after discovering the subjects either planting or throwing explosives. The subjects then robbed a 7/11, or some convenience store.

Then explosives were thrown. I'm not quite sure where or when, but there was also a car chase so it could have happened during that. They somehow got home though and police found them. There was a shootout or something. Police shot suspect one, who is being referred to as Black Hat. He might have been running at them and he may have had a bomb or something strapped to him. You know what, maybe this was when they were throwing the explosives. Anyway, he died for sure, but his brother, White Hat, fled or drove away, possibly running over the dead or still alive body of Black Hat. Oh, and I think this is when Black Hat either detonated his explosives strapped to him or didn't, I'm not sure.

Police have suspicions of more suspects, maybe. Do you know? Maybe they're just being overly cautious or maybe more people are involved, I don't know. But Boston is in a virtual lockdown because police and FBI and maybe some more people are searching. There was a hostage situation but it was possibly unrelated.

A suspect was apprehended and maybe had a suicide vest and was holding a switch. A kill switch or detonator or something. It might be White Hat. I don't know, why are you even asking me? I don't know why I'm even writing this, it has nothing to do with politics.


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Tragedy strikes [city]


At least [number] dead and [number] were injured during a [tragic incident] [on/at] [location] in [city] [day of week]. [Summary of incident], wreaking havoc on [city] and filling citizens with fear and uncertainty. Paramedics treated several victims at the scene, and police ordered bystanders to leave the area. The dead included [number] year old [boy/girl] [name].

"[Quote from someone at the scene]", said [name of someone at the scene], adding that [he/she] was devastated to witness such an unexpected tragedy.

President [current president] is expected to address the nation shortly. A memorial service will be held for the victims.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Pro-knife movement to arm unborn babies


Congress Steve Stockman (R-Texas), pro-knife advocate, has introduced H.R. 1526, the Weapons for Unborn Act of 2013 - a bill to require doctors performing abortions to arm unwanted fetuses with a choice of close combat weapon.

"I have one concern: protecting developing infants from dangerous abortion doctor predators," Stockman explained. "By arming qualified embryos and fetuses, we can create a safer situation for our unborn children."

The legislation has started a new social and political movement arguing that the human fetus and embryo is a person and therefore has a right to bear arms. The pro-knife movement now includes a variety of organizations and supporters with diverse arguments and rationales, with some activist allowing for unarmed abortions in exceptional circumstances such as the fetus having a history of criminal activity.

If the bill passes, women wanting to arm their embryo as soon as possible can take the controversial Plan-Blade pill, which implants a weapon next to a zygote as it attaches to the uterine wall.

"Clearly, an abortion ban is not wanted and it's time to try a new approach" the Congressman said in a statement today. "Human life begins at conception, with protection."

Stockman is expected to introduce another bill next week that will legalize same-sex marriage for fetuses only.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Obama Money Plan Bad

Today, Obama made public his money plan for this year, which not anyone likes. It will not move through congress and it will not make jobs. No money plan can do that by itself though. Already, no one in congress likes it.

John Boehner did attack the plan again and again and Bernie Sanders said he would attack it too because of the cost of things that some people think all people have a right to. Other people in congress are not happy for it because it was made to make every person like it. 


Obama does not even like it very much. "It’s not the plan I want to use to pay less bills, it’s something I’m able to like," the president said four days ago. "It has things many of you have said they could like as well. It’s a way we can make things better together."


The money plan wants people with a lot of money to pay more tax and the government to give less money to old people but still give enough money to schools and roads. The plan will also still give money to space programs to put a person on a moving rock in space.


Monday, April 8, 2013

Dick Cheney Shared 'Criminal Thoughts' With Psychiatrist Before Iraq Invasion



Documents unsealed last week revealed that accused war criminal Dick Cheney shared "thoughts of willful killing and torture" with government psychiatrists in February of 2003.

According to an affidavit detailing a report, a mental health professional warned that Cheney was a "danger to the world." The alleged war criminal told psychiatrists that he "yearned to make a lot of money, even if it meant the deaths and inhumane treatment of civilians" There was no order for a psychiatric hold which would have detained Cheney for evaluation and possibly helped to prevent 60,000 civilian deaths and $39.5 billion in Iraq-related contracts for his Houston based oilfield services company.

"We had to invade iraq," said accused mass murderer James E. Holmes, "I think it was the smartest thing Dick Cheney helped do. He restored confidence in America."

Friday, April 5, 2013

Shaking in Fear, Oil Covered Congress Presses Obama to Approve Keystone XL Pipeline


Covered in what appears to be various amounts of crude oil, Congress is increasing pressure on the Obama administration to approve work on the long-delayed Keystone XL oil sand pipeline. They argue that the pipeline, which plans to carry large volumes of heavy oil from the Canadian tar sands to the southern United States, will help lower the nation's energy cost, create more jobs, and provide a boost to the economy.

"Please help us,” cried Rep. Lee Terry (R-Neb), as he desperately tried to wipe black, sticky oil out of his matted hair. "Exxon Mobil promises Keystone XL is primed to give our economy a shot in the arm and make energy more affordable."

Earlier this week, Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) made the case that Keystone XL is an opportunity to meaningfully expand our nation's energy infrastructure and create thousands of jobs, and can do so without coating our government officials in another thick layer of valuable resources.

A bipartisan group of House Members on the Energy and Commerce Committee recently unveiled a discussion draft of legislation to "clear away the vast amounts of oil that is flooding Capitol Hill." Though some members of congress have pointed out that the project carries environment risks, most have grown tired and hypothermic from being completely and helplessly covered in poisonous substances every day.

Currently, TransCanada’s proposed pipeline is still under Obama administration review. The president is literally under pressure from the oil industry, trapped in a tank of heavy oil, until the pipeline is approved.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The BRAIN Initiative: Obama’s Announcement


Barack rubbed weakly at his temples, which were sore and rough to the touch. He breathed slowly, in and out, as he tried to focus his racing mind, burdened by the thoughts of millions. He noticed through the window the slightest shift of light from the setting sun as he made his way to a makeshift podium, isolated and ready for him to make the announcement: one that would change humanity.

He was not yet used to the increased sensitivity to light and sound, the endless knowledge, or the frequent migraines and muscle aches that were to be expected, but still crippling. Though it had been months since the start of what is now being referred to as the BRAIN Initiative, it felt as if only hours had passed since Barack was buried in a lab miles below society, stretched across a table, his body a host to the thousands of cables attached. His arms still tingled where IVs had been, his body remained covered in blemishes from the fiducials, and though makeup and prosthetics hid it well, his head still itched as his skin slowly recovered from neuroshock induced burns.

As he shuffled past two reporters, he noticed their concerned faces. He was weak, dehydrated, and his pigmentation made it difficult to appear as anything close to healthy. He reached the podium and looked out into the standing, applauding crowd. Everything was so loud to him now. He inhaled deeply, and began to speak.

"Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Please have a seat."

Barack blinked about ten times trying to maintain composure as the crowd slowly settled into their chairs.

"Today, as your Scientist-in-Chief, I have invited some of the smartest people in the country, some of the most imaginative and effective researchers, to introduce to you a brave new front in innovation."

The audience broke into another applause. Barack forcibly held his eyes shut as a ringing pierced through the back of his eyes. He continued speaking with hollow stamina.

"As humans, we can identify galaxies light years away, we can study particles smaller than an atom, and today, we have begun to unlock the mystery of the three pounds of matter that sits between my ears."

The crowd murmured in laughter. In the few seconds before he spoke again, Barack effortlessly extrapolated the emotions, intelligences, and lives of everyone in the White House pressroom. Recently he had gotten better at retaining and sorting through the vast amounts of data. He - He needed more water and he wondered how long he had been silent in front of them.

"The BRAIN Initiative has given us the tools we need to understand how we think, how we learn, and how we remember." He continued his speech carefully, sheltering the world from his recent horrid and painful experiences. "And that is why it is so absolutely important. It has created the future we are imagining.”

In the next moment, Barack closed his eyes and concentrated deeply into his surroundings. He gently obtained an increasingly strong connection to everything and everyone in the room. Feeling the same sense of power he discovered during his initial tests and trainings in the lab, he steadily began to lift himself off the ground, surrounded and almost empowered by the amazement of the astonished congregation.

"This is the year I was finally born," he said, his voice projecting with brilliance. "We have the chance to improve the lives of not just millions, but billions of people on this planet." The podium and surrounding equipment weightlessly joined him in the air. "It's ambitious, but as you can see, achievable."

The hue of Barack's skin altered slightly, turning dark yellow. He spoke louder, but calmly, as a visible blue haze of energy emitted around him. "It's going to require us as a country to embody and embrace this spirit of discovery that is what made me-" He stopped suddenly, dropping to the floor with the surrounding objects.

The audience let out a collective gasp. Assistants and medical personal hurried to the attention of the fallen President. The leader of the United States, who was moments before levitating with unseen power, laid lifelessly on the floor.

Though he could not open his eyes, Barack wondered as he was being placed on a stretcher, if the world had been ready for this announcement, this ambitious display. His concern diminished quickly as he reminded himself that the BRAIN initiative, Barack's Rapid Acquisition of Intelligence through Neuroreplication, had long been out of his control.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Kim Jong-Un: Recent Threats just a Hilarious April Fools' Day Prank


The past few months have brought increasingly troubling threats coming from North Korea, but today the leader of the dictatorial regime, Kim Jong-Un, announced they were all part an elaborate prank to celebrate today's practical joke holiday.

"I can't believe you guys actually thought we had intentions to target a strike on the United States and that you all really believed we were serious when we referred to the nation with one of the largest militaries as the 'sworn enemy of the Korean people,'" Kim chuckled, "You should have seen your faces."

President of South Korea, Park Geun-hye, stated she was in on the joke as well. "Kim and I thought it would be hilarious if the Democratic People's Republic of Korea withdrew nonaggression pacts and declared a state of war with South Korea," Park laughed, "As if a poor and defenseless country would really do something that crazy!"

The United States previously condemned Kim Jong-Un's orders to prepare the nation's missile forces for a strike as "bellicose rhetoric," but today U.S. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel laughed it off in a statement saying, "They got us good."

After carrying out several prolonged jokes, Kim declared himself the supreme leader of April Fool's Day pranks. Kim laughed, "I can't wait to see the looks on those 200,000 concentration camp detainees' faces when I tell them their years of torture and other cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment and punishments, along with those silly public executions, were all just a practical joke."

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Hurricane Slams Into Supreme Court, Devastates Marriage Equality Rally


At daybreak on Tuesday, an unexpected hurricane pounded the steps of the United States Supreme Court building. The storm hit with devastating force where thousands of marriage equality supporters were rallying as justices and lawyers were hearing oral arguments for same-sex marriage inside. While the storm did not affect the proceedings, the catastrophic surprise hit and destroyed parts of the building's exterior, where it killed dozens, heaping damage on nearby buildings and leaving the surrounding roads impassable.

Officials said that according to preliminary reports, there were at least 45 deaths, with 30 alone being homosexuals advocating for same-sex marriage. Emergency workers feared that they would find more dead within the piles of broken witty signs and among people who had been trapped across the street behind the United States Capitol building.

Brian S. Brown, President of the nonprofit National Organization for Marriage, believes that marriage equality supporters have not escaped the worst. He cheerfully stated, "I think there is still damage that can be inflicted on the gays. We don't even know what the worst is." Brown's organization held a rally to oppose same-sex marriage at the same time nearby on the National Mall, but was spared from what has now been attributed to "the wrath of God."

As of Wednesday morning, the storm weakened as it returned to the rally for the second consecutive day. The National Hurricane Center has downgraded it to a tropical storm and district officials expect it to continue for hours until marriage equality proponents leave the area.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency is expected to provide relief to the area around the same time the U.S. Supreme Court issues a decision on the two landmark cases in late June.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Scalia Questions Himself for Just a Moment Before Returning to Political and Personal Prejudices


Justice Antonin Scalia describes himself as married, politically conservative, and an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. He remains close to his archconservative Catholic upbringing, but found himself wondering early Monday morning as he woke up "whether my dehumanization of gays is my ticket to hell, whether Jesus would love me but for that, and how good a Christian could I be if I struggle to believe that God loves homosexuals at all." For Scalia, and for many Christians of all denominations, homosexuality is one of those topics that "make us question if we should use the teachings of Christ to deprive the gay community of civil rights."

Scalia, while most of the time confident that gay marriage is against the constitution and God's will, continued to lay in bed and wonder for just a slight moment if his beliefs and actions are disagreeable or even aggressively offensive. At times he can't resist referring to homosexuals as "not worthy of respect or fundamental freedoms," something he thought for a quick second might not be in line with living his life according to the teachings of Jesus.

As his wife Maureen continued sleeping next to him, he briefly wondered "if homosexuality isn't a choice and if celibacy isn't the only biblical option for homosexuals other than loveless marriages between a man and a woman." He quickly asked himself "What if homosexuality isn't comparable to murder or bestiality at all? What if sex between two men shouldn't be prosecuted in the same way as incest, adultery, obscenity, and child pornography?"

Scalia continued his short-lived epiphany, "Maybe as a lifetime tenured figure in a central role in American governance, I should interpret law according to the constitution, not the Bible or my personal views… And maybe I could use my status as the longest-serving justice currently on the Supreme Court to protect individual rights rather than deny them!"

"But wait," a more common thought interjected, "the only ones dehumanizing gays are themselves. Homosexuality is a sin and an abomination to God." Scalia's rational thoughts continued to deteriorate, "Sodomy can be seriously unhealthy, not to mention unnatural. Jesus would want me to interpret the laws according to the Bible and our God-inspired constitution."

As the last moments of his lucidity passed, Scalia concluded during his short time of self-doubt that "God is more important than my country, my church, and ultimately the people it discriminates against," stating to himself that a sudden renewed belief in God is the most important thing he needs to remember when applying the law. "My God isn't simply the God I believe in, but the God I want to believe in and need to believe in to justify my rulings," Scalia told himself as he got out of bed.

Once again ending all thought on whether or not he is acting as a Christian the way God intended or if his beliefs should even be in consideration when ruling on civil rights, Justice Antonin Scalia returned to his chambers to prepare for two historic gay marriage cases that he will be hearing oral arguments on this week.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Pelosi Uses Assault Weapon, Averts Federal Shutdown


Days after an assault weapons ban was removed from a gun violence bill in the Senate earlier this week, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif, entered house chambers on Thursday, legally equipped with a SIG SG 550 assault rifle.

Pelosi carried the weapon at her side as House members were meeting to vote on a short-term funding measure to keep the government running beyond the end of the month. The bill, which cleared the Senate on Wednesday, was awaiting it's final passage in the House to avert a shutdown.

"I will keep this government running, dead or alive" Pelosi shouted to fellow members of the House moments before shifting her rifle upwards and firing several rounds of ammunition into the plaster covered stainless steel ceilings of the assembly room.

In an attempt to disarm the crazed representative, Rep. Ben Luján, D-NM, ran a short distance towards Pelosi before he was shot in the leg. "I hope his screams of pain serve as an example to you all," she screamed as she forcibly inserted the 4-inch heel of her left shoe into the open wound of the congressman's leg, "because I will shoot and kill every last one of you without hesitation."

In a quick and mostly silent bipartisan vote of 318-109, the House passed the bill with six hours remaining, at which time Pelosi promised to "begin killing one house member every fifteen minutes." Whether the parties' newfound willingness to work together was a product of Pelosi's rampage or a refreshing change in the endless cycle of congressional crises, the approval process moved remarkably well compared with the previous efforts of the divided Congress.

"It's a good day for the American people," cried House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, in a press conference shortly after being held at gunpoint for several hours until the bill was approved, "though it is heartbreaking that we can't get some common sense laws passed, such as the assault weapons ban."

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Mourdock: Ohio teenagers are doing God's work


In a statement released today after two high school football stars were found guilty on Sunday of raping a 16-year-old girl, former GOP senate candidate Richard Mourdock expressed his "sincere admiration of the two good and faithful servants."

"I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize rape is that gift from God," Mourdock said. "And I think even when one is forcibly penetrated in a horrible sexual offense, that it is something that the Everlasting Father intended to happen." Mourdock continued "The two teenagers made a sacrifice, much like their Heavenly Father, to show this girl the loving power of Jesus Christ."

The judge found that both boys used their fingers to penetrate the girl in the early hours of Aug. 12 while she was naked and passed out from drinking. The boys then spread photos and text messages of the heinous crime, which Mourdock described as "delicate and merciful." They have both been sentenced to serve time in the state juvenile system.

"With God, all things are possible," Mourdock began to conclude. "Though she should not have been passed out drunk, we remember to hate the sin, love the sinner. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of rape is eternal."

As of this afternoon, former U.S. Representative Todd Akin had reportedly demanded the court issue a pregnancy test to determine if the crime was "legitimate rape."

Monday, March 18, 2013

Schock wins 'Best Bulge' at annual CPAC-kage Awards


U.S. Rep. Aaron Schock swept the awards given out for male genitalia at this year's Conservative Political Action Conference. Along with winning the top prize for the second consecutive year, Schock took home awards for Manscape of the Year, Best Shape (circumcised), and Outstanding Commando Performance in Mesh Shorts.

"I never thought I'd be back here," republican Schock said in accepting the best bulge trophy Friday night, "And I am, because of so many of you who are here tonight. We hold bulges, not grudges" the representative continued, referring to his snub in the Best Bend category.

While the CPAC-kage awards are an opportunity for republican congressman to congratulate each other on their members, this year the short-list of nominees demonstrated the glaring inconsistencies within the peen voting system. There is an obvious explanation; aggressive marketing and laziness on the part of voters. In an ideal world, shaft voters should take in an interest in the penis as a whole, and not leave themselves vulnerable to the marketing juggernaut that hurtles through congress every year.

Though he may have not gotten his much deserved Best Bend CPAC, Schock took home a win in almost every category he was nominated for, only losing out to Rep. Paul Ryan for Biggest Dick.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Obama releases children's book as 'full legal basis' for drone strikes

In response to House Democrats demanding on Monday that President Barack Obama release information on the White House Administration's use of drone strikes, congress was sent a copy of "Our Friend Danny Drone," a children's book written by Obama. 

Inside sources have provided a preview of the book's contents.

Who's that up there all alone?
Why, he's our friend, Danny Drone.
Flying through the sky with glee,
Danny protects you and me.

When he kills, we insist
He only targets terrorists.
Who are all these bad men?
Well, sometimes they're American.

He strikes at them to save our oil
and may kill them on our own soil.
Danny must drop his bombs
So we can keep our dads and moms. 

He'll stop another 9/11
and an early trip to heaven.
Even though he'll sometimes miss,
It's the price we pay for this.

Next time you sit down for dinner
feeling like a U.S. winner,
Send a 'thank you' to the sky.
Danny Drone, he's our guy!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Paul Ryan unveils new budget, invites society's productive members to flee country



House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan, R-Wis., unveiled a budget plan Tuesday that invites that nation's brightest innovators and business leaders to leave the country and start a new society. By flying the nation's most excellent to a new secret civilization, the budget, titled "The Path to Prosperity: A Responsible, Balanced Budget for the Best" would achieve fiscal balance for the new population by 2023.

"All the men who will vanish, the men you hate, yet dread to lose, it is I who will take them away from you" Ryan began Tuesday at a news conference. "Do not attempt to find us. We do not choose to be found. Do not beg us to return. We are on strike, we, the men of mind."

Heavily influenced by Ryan's literary hero Ayn Rand, key elements of the new GOP budget include:
  • New society where each person can live and flourish through independent exercise of his rational mind
  • Government that can only protect individual rights
  • Economic freedom favoring diversity, dynamism, and big businesses
  • Each person gets the inalienable moral right to act as his own judgment to direct and to keep the product of his effort
  • Removal of all taxes, antitrust laws, minimum wage, public education, and child labor laws
The outline is different from the two previous budgets offered by House Republicans. Ryan acknowledged that some of the proposals are politically sensitive. In a statement, the White House criticized the plan stating it would hurt the middle class and protect the wealthy.

The conservative plan has little chance of being approved by democrats in the Senate, who are working on their own plan titled "Seven Commandments of Animalism."

Monday, March 11, 2013

South Korea and US begin StarCraft II drills as North Korea threatens war


South Korea and the United States began drills Monday for the military science fiction real-time strategy video game, StarCraft II, as North Korea declared invalid the armistice agreement that ended the Korean War in 1953 and threatened to launch nuclear attacks on the US.

The 5-day computer gaming drills that started Monday involve 20 South Korean and about 14 American players who are preparing to compete in this weekend's Major League Gaming 2013 Pro Circuit Winter Championship being held in Dallas, Texas. Also continuing are large-scale North Korean military drills that may involve the single-party state's army, navy, and air force.

With the new 'StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm' expansion being released tomorrow, just days before the tournament, it is essential that the players receive as much exposure as possible to the new features that have only been available in closed beta testing. After three nuclear weapons tests, North Korea is continuing to pursue becoming a nuclear weapons state, stating that the military is prepared to execute a long-range nuclear missile attack to turn Washington D.C. into a "sea of fire."

Though North Korea said it is canceling nonaggression pacts and is threatening Seoul with nuclear war, the three-day winter championship promises to deliver an unprecedented event experience. The MLG competition will be broadcast live online at http://www.majorleaguegaming.com. Viewers can be assured that North Korea is years away from having the necessary technology to successfully launch a nuclear missile.

As of this afternoon, both South Korean and US forces have stated that in the event a nuclear launch is detected, they would be able to determine the location of any small flashing red dots.

Friday, March 8, 2013

White House Administration consults with Department of UAV secretary Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern


Following Wednesday's filibuster of John Brennan's nomination to be CIA director, the Obama White House is said to be having closed door meetings with Department of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles secretary and well known developmental reconnaissance drone Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern (also known as Compass Cope R).

President Barack Obama is said to be consulting with Ryan after the administration was asked, "Can you use a drone to kill an American on American soil?" Attorney General Eric Holder previously responded by saying "It is possible, I suppose, to imagine a drone having the ability to fly over the U.S. and kill a citizen" though these latest reports indicate that the White House Administration is not confident in their UAV's ability to successfully end the life of a U.S. citizen.

In addition to current discussions, the president is scheduled next week to meet with a nonpartisan silo of nuclear warheads to find out if, hypothetically, they have the ability to destroy earth.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Senate Mistakes Homeless Man for Rand Paul



John 'Starbucks' Jon, local District of Columbia homeless man, began a filibuster on Wednesday in which he spoke to the Senate floor for nearly 13 hours, ending when Senator Ted Cruz, Republican of Texas, recognized the man speaking was not his friend, Senator Rand Paul, Republican of Kentucky.

"I wake today to begin my day, as I do every day…[UI] every one, two, or three days" Jon began. "I speak until I can't speak no more. I'll speak as long as I take, until I'm shooed away by you there drones." At the mention of drones, the senate casually dismissed the speaker as Mr. Paul, who had previously promised to filibuster President Obama's nomination of John O. Brennan to lead the Central Intelligence Agency.

Mr. Jon is the first homeless man to use a filibuster. He continued speaking for hours, only breaking to ask if anyone had cash on them and would be willing to help a guy out. Following the success of his filibuster, he has been asked speak about the homeless problem in the United States later this month when Rand Paul gets back from his family vacation.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Obama Supports Right to Unlock New Cellphones, Especially if You're the Fucking President


On Monday, in a response to a recent petition, the white house came out in favor of the legalization of cell phone unlocking. "The White House agrees with the 114,000+ of you who believe that consumers should be able to unlock their cell phones without risking criminal or other penalties" said the white house, "And if you have paid for your goddamn mobile device, and aren't bound by what feels like a fucking infinite service agreement or other obligation you signed your life away to, you should be able to use your own fucking property on whatever network you goddamn want to. Jesus Christ, it's common fucking sense. It should not be a problem if, for example, the President of the fucking United States of America wants to unlock his phone to use on another network."

The strongly worded response was sent only hours after President Barack Obama received his fifth late payment fee from AT&T in as many months. Barack and the first family have allegedly been trapped in a contract with the company, starting when the President was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 before AT&T purchased Cingular Wireless. He was then reportedly forced to renew his contract every two years along with the election cycle as indicated in the final words of his 2002 MLK speech on violence. "Dr. King talked about values like dignity and self determination… He was talking about human values. Black men and white men. Jew and Gentile, Protestant and Catholic. Muslim, Asian, Latino, homosexual and heterosexual. Old and young, rich and poor. We need to spend some more time people, talking about our shared values. We need to talk about how I have to sign another two year contract so I can get a phone upgrade at a reasonable price."

In 2010, WikiLeaks, a well known publisher of classified information, released several screenshots of the President's previous cell phone bills, indicating this is not the first time the family has had issues paying their mobile provider.


The President appeared on NBC's "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" in October of 2011, suggesting that the majority of the costs are incurred from Michelle, Malia, and Sasha's "ridiculous" texting and data overages.