Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Hurricane Slams Into Supreme Court, Devastates Marriage Equality Rally

At daybreak on Tuesday, an unexpected hurricane pounded the steps of the United States Supreme Court building. The storm hit with devastating force where thousands of marriage equality supporters were rallying as justices and lawyers were hearing oral arguments for same-sex marriage inside. While the storm did not affect the proceedings, the catastrophic surprise hit and destroyed parts of the building's exterior, where it killed dozens, heaping damage on nearby buildings and leaving the surrounding roads impassable.

Officials said that according to preliminary reports, there were at least 45 deaths, with 30 alone being homosexuals advocating for same-sex marriage. Emergency workers feared that they would find more dead within the piles of broken witty signs and among people who had been trapped across the street behind the United States Capitol building.

Brian S. Brown, President of the nonprofit National Organization for Marriage, believes that marriage equality supporters have not escaped the worst. He cheerfully stated, "I think there is still damage that can be inflicted on the gays. We don't even know what the worst is." Brown's organization held a rally to oppose same-sex marriage at the same time nearby on the National Mall, but was spared from what has now been attributed to "the wrath of God."

As of Wednesday morning, the storm weakened as it returned to the rally for the second consecutive day. The National Hurricane Center has downgraded it to a tropical storm and district officials expect it to continue for hours until marriage equality proponents leave the area.

The Federal Emergency Management Agency is expected to provide relief to the area around the same time the U.S. Supreme Court issues a decision on the two landmark cases in late June.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Scalia Questions Himself for Just a Moment Before Returning to Political and Personal Prejudices

Justice Antonin Scalia describes himself as married, politically conservative, and an Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. He remains close to his archconservative Catholic upbringing, but found himself wondering early Monday morning as he woke up "whether my dehumanization of gays is my ticket to hell, whether Jesus would love me but for that, and how good a Christian could I be if I struggle to believe that God loves homosexuals at all." For Scalia, and for many Christians of all denominations, homosexuality is one of those topics that "make us question if we should use the teachings of Christ to deprive the gay community of civil rights."

Scalia, while most of the time confident that gay marriage is against the constitution and God's will, continued to lay in bed and wonder for just a slight moment if his beliefs and actions are disagreeable or even aggressively offensive. At times he can't resist referring to homosexuals as "not worthy of respect or fundamental freedoms," something he thought for a quick second might not be in line with living his life according to the teachings of Jesus.

As his wife Maureen continued sleeping next to him, he briefly wondered "if homosexuality isn't a choice and if celibacy isn't the only biblical option for homosexuals other than loveless marriages between a man and a woman." He quickly asked himself "What if homosexuality isn't comparable to murder or bestiality at all? What if sex between two men shouldn't be prosecuted in the same way as incest, adultery, obscenity, and child pornography?"

Scalia continued his short-lived epiphany, "Maybe as a lifetime tenured figure in a central role in American governance, I should interpret law according to the constitution, not the Bible or my personal views… And maybe I could use my status as the longest-serving justice currently on the Supreme Court to protect individual rights rather than deny them!"

"But wait," a more common thought interjected, "the only ones dehumanizing gays are themselves. Homosexuality is a sin and an abomination to God." Scalia's rational thoughts continued to deteriorate, "Sodomy can be seriously unhealthy, not to mention unnatural. Jesus would want me to interpret the laws according to the Bible and our God-inspired constitution."

As the last moments of his lucidity passed, Scalia concluded during his short time of self-doubt that "God is more important than my country, my church, and ultimately the people it discriminates against," stating to himself that a sudden renewed belief in God is the most important thing he needs to remember when applying the law. "My God isn't simply the God I believe in, but the God I want to believe in and need to believe in to justify my rulings," Scalia told himself as he got out of bed.

Once again ending all thought on whether or not he is acting as a Christian the way God intended or if his beliefs should even be in consideration when ruling on civil rights, Justice Antonin Scalia returned to his chambers to prepare for two historic gay marriage cases that he will be hearing oral arguments on this week.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Pelosi Uses Assault Weapon, Averts Federal Shutdown

Days after an assault weapons ban was removed from a gun violence bill in the Senate earlier this week, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, D-Calif, entered house chambers on Thursday, legally equipped with a SIG SG 550 assault rifle.

Pelosi carried the weapon at her side as House members were meeting to vote on a short-term funding measure to keep the government running beyond the end of the month. The bill, which cleared the Senate on Wednesday, was awaiting it's final passage in the House to avert a shutdown.

"I will keep this government running, dead or alive" Pelosi shouted to fellow members of the House moments before shifting her rifle upwards and firing several rounds of ammunition into the plaster covered stainless steel ceilings of the assembly room.

In an attempt to disarm the crazed representative, Rep. Ben Luján, D-NM, ran a short distance towards Pelosi before he was shot in the leg. "I hope his screams of pain serve as an example to you all," she screamed as she forcibly inserted the 4-inch heel of her left shoe into the open wound of the congressman's leg, "because I will shoot and kill every last one of you without hesitation."

In a quick and mostly silent bipartisan vote of 318-109, the House passed the bill with six hours remaining, at which time Pelosi promised to "begin killing one house member every fifteen minutes." Whether the parties' newfound willingness to work together was a product of Pelosi's rampage or a refreshing change in the endless cycle of congressional crises, the approval process moved remarkably well compared with the previous efforts of the divided Congress.

"It's a good day for the American people," cried House Speaker John Boehner, R-Ohio, in a press conference shortly after being held at gunpoint for several hours until the bill was approved, "though it is heartbreaking that we can't get some common sense laws passed, such as the assault weapons ban."

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Mourdock: Ohio teenagers are doing God's work

In a statement released today after two high school football stars were found guilty on Sunday of raping a 16-year-old girl, former GOP senate candidate Richard Mourdock expressed his "sincere admiration of the two good and faithful servants."

"I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize rape is that gift from God," Mourdock said. "And I think even when one is forcibly penetrated in a horrible sexual offense, that it is something that the Everlasting Father intended to happen." Mourdock continued "The two teenagers made a sacrifice, much like their Heavenly Father, to show this girl the loving power of Jesus Christ."

The judge found that both boys used their fingers to penetrate the girl in the early hours of Aug. 12 while she was naked and passed out from drinking. The boys then spread photos and text messages of the heinous crime, which Mourdock described as "delicate and merciful." They have both been sentenced to serve time in the state juvenile system.

"With God, all things are possible," Mourdock began to conclude. "Though she should not have been passed out drunk, we remember to hate the sin, love the sinner. For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of rape is eternal."

As of this afternoon, former U.S. Representative Todd Akin had reportedly demanded the court issue a pregnancy test to determine if the crime was "legitimate rape."

Monday, March 18, 2013

Schock wins 'Best Bulge' at annual CPAC-kage Awards

U.S. Rep. Aaron Schock swept the awards given out for male genitalia at this year's Conservative Political Action Conference. Along with winning the top prize for the second consecutive year, Schock took home awards for Manscape of the Year, Best Shape (circumcised), and Outstanding Commando Performance in Mesh Shorts.

"I never thought I'd be back here," republican Schock said in accepting the best bulge trophy Friday night, "And I am, because of so many of you who are here tonight. We hold bulges, not grudges" the representative continued, referring to his snub in the Best Bend category.

While the CPAC-kage awards are an opportunity for republican congressman to congratulate each other on their members, this year the short-list of nominees demonstrated the glaring inconsistencies within the peen voting system. There is an obvious explanation; aggressive marketing and laziness on the part of voters. In an ideal world, shaft voters should take in an interest in the penis as a whole, and not leave themselves vulnerable to the marketing juggernaut that hurtles through congress every year.

Though he may have not gotten his much deserved Best Bend CPAC, Schock took home a win in almost every category he was nominated for, only losing out to Rep. Paul Ryan for Biggest Dick.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Obama releases children's book as 'full legal basis' for drone strikes

In response to House Democrats demanding on Monday that President Barack Obama release information on the White House Administration's use of drone strikes, congress was sent a copy of "Our Friend Danny Drone," a children's book written by Obama. 

Inside sources have provided a preview of the book's contents.

Who's that up there all alone?
Why, he's our friend, Danny Drone.
Flying through the sky with glee,
Danny protects you and me.

When he kills, we insist
He only targets terrorists.
Who are all these bad men?
Well, sometimes they're American.

He strikes at them to save our oil
and may kill them on our own soil.
Danny must drop his bombs
So we can keep our dads and moms. 

He'll stop another 9/11
and an early trip to heaven.
Even though he'll sometimes miss,
It's the price we pay for this.

Next time you sit down for dinner
feeling like a U.S. winner,
Send a 'thank you' to the sky.
Danny Drone, he's our guy!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Paul Ryan unveils new budget, invites society's productive members to flee country

House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan, R-Wis., unveiled a budget plan Tuesday that invites that nation's brightest innovators and business leaders to leave the country and start a new society. By flying the nation's most excellent to a new secret civilization, the budget, titled "The Path to Prosperity: A Responsible, Balanced Budget for the Best" would achieve fiscal balance for the new population by 2023.

"All the men who will vanish, the men you hate, yet dread to lose, it is I who will take them away from you" Ryan began Tuesday at a news conference. "Do not attempt to find us. We do not choose to be found. Do not beg us to return. We are on strike, we, the men of mind."

Heavily influenced by Ryan's literary hero Ayn Rand, key elements of the new GOP budget include:
  • New society where each person can live and flourish through independent exercise of his rational mind
  • Government that can only protect individual rights
  • Economic freedom favoring diversity, dynamism, and big businesses
  • Each person gets the inalienable moral right to act as his own judgment to direct and to keep the product of his effort
  • Removal of all taxes, antitrust laws, minimum wage, public education, and child labor laws
The outline is different from the two previous budgets offered by House Republicans. Ryan acknowledged that some of the proposals are politically sensitive. In a statement, the White House criticized the plan stating it would hurt the middle class and protect the wealthy.

The conservative plan has little chance of being approved by democrats in the Senate, who are working on their own plan titled "Seven Commandments of Animalism."

Monday, March 11, 2013

South Korea and US begin StarCraft II drills as North Korea threatens war

South Korea and the United States began drills Monday for the military science fiction real-time strategy video game, StarCraft II, as North Korea declared invalid the armistice agreement that ended the Korean War in 1953 and threatened to launch nuclear attacks on the US.

The 5-day computer gaming drills that started Monday involve 20 South Korean and about 14 American players who are preparing to compete in this weekend's Major League Gaming 2013 Pro Circuit Winter Championship being held in Dallas, Texas. Also continuing are large-scale North Korean military drills that may involve the single-party state's army, navy, and air force.

With the new 'StarCraft II: Heart of the Swarm' expansion being released tomorrow, just days before the tournament, it is essential that the players receive as much exposure as possible to the new features that have only been available in closed beta testing. After three nuclear weapons tests, North Korea is continuing to pursue becoming a nuclear weapons state, stating that the military is prepared to execute a long-range nuclear missile attack to turn Washington D.C. into a "sea of fire."

Though North Korea said it is canceling nonaggression pacts and is threatening Seoul with nuclear war, the three-day winter championship promises to deliver an unprecedented event experience. The MLG competition will be broadcast live online at Viewers can be assured that North Korea is years away from having the necessary technology to successfully launch a nuclear missile.

As of this afternoon, both South Korean and US forces have stated that in the event a nuclear launch is detected, they would be able to determine the location of any small flashing red dots.

Friday, March 8, 2013

White House Administration consults with Department of UAV secretary Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern

Following Wednesday's filibuster of John Brennan's nomination to be CIA director, the Obama White House is said to be having closed door meetings with Department of Unmanned Aerial Vehicles secretary and well known developmental reconnaissance drone Ryan YQM-98A R-Tern (also known as Compass Cope R).

President Barack Obama is said to be consulting with Ryan after the administration was asked, "Can you use a drone to kill an American on American soil?" Attorney General Eric Holder previously responded by saying "It is possible, I suppose, to imagine a drone having the ability to fly over the U.S. and kill a citizen" though these latest reports indicate that the White House Administration is not confident in their UAV's ability to successfully end the life of a U.S. citizen.

In addition to current discussions, the president is scheduled next week to meet with a nonpartisan silo of nuclear warheads to find out if, hypothetically, they have the ability to destroy earth.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Senate Mistakes Homeless Man for Rand Paul

John 'Starbucks' Jon, local District of Columbia homeless man, began a filibuster on Wednesday in which he spoke to the Senate floor for nearly 13 hours, ending when Senator Ted Cruz, Republican of Texas, recognized the man speaking was not his friend, Senator Rand Paul, Republican of Kentucky.

"I wake today to begin my day, as I do every day…[UI] every one, two, or three days" Jon began. "I speak until I can't speak no more. I'll speak as long as I take, until I'm shooed away by you there drones." At the mention of drones, the senate casually dismissed the speaker as Mr. Paul, who had previously promised to filibuster President Obama's nomination of John O. Brennan to lead the Central Intelligence Agency.

Mr. Jon is the first homeless man to use a filibuster. He continued speaking for hours, only breaking to ask if anyone had cash on them and would be willing to help a guy out. Following the success of his filibuster, he has been asked speak about the homeless problem in the United States later this month when Rand Paul gets back from his family vacation.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Obama Supports Right to Unlock New Cellphones, Especially if You're the Fucking President

On Monday, in a response to a recent petition, the white house came out in favor of the legalization of cell phone unlocking. "The White House agrees with the 114,000+ of you who believe that consumers should be able to unlock their cell phones without risking criminal or other penalties" said the white house, "And if you have paid for your goddamn mobile device, and aren't bound by what feels like a fucking infinite service agreement or other obligation you signed your life away to, you should be able to use your own fucking property on whatever network you goddamn want to. Jesus Christ, it's common fucking sense. It should not be a problem if, for example, the President of the fucking United States of America wants to unlock his phone to use on another network."

The strongly worded response was sent only hours after President Barack Obama received his fifth late payment fee from AT&T in as many months. Barack and the first family have allegedly been trapped in a contract with the company, starting when the President was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1996 before AT&T purchased Cingular Wireless. He was then reportedly forced to renew his contract every two years along with the election cycle as indicated in the final words of his 2002 MLK speech on violence. "Dr. King talked about values like dignity and self determination… He was talking about human values. Black men and white men. Jew and Gentile, Protestant and Catholic. Muslim, Asian, Latino, homosexual and heterosexual. Old and young, rich and poor. We need to spend some more time people, talking about our shared values. We need to talk about how I have to sign another two year contract so I can get a phone upgrade at a reasonable price."

In 2010, WikiLeaks, a well known publisher of classified information, released several screenshots of the President's previous cell phone bills, indicating this is not the first time the family has had issues paying their mobile provider.

The President appeared on NBC's "The Tonight Show With Jay Leno" in October of 2011, suggesting that the majority of the costs are incurred from Michelle, Malia, and Sasha's "ridiculous" texting and data overages.