Monday, March 18, 2013

Schock wins 'Best Bulge' at annual CPAC-kage Awards


U.S. Rep. Aaron Schock swept the awards given out for male genitalia at this year's Conservative Political Action Conference. Along with winning the top prize for the second consecutive year, Schock took home awards for Manscape of the Year, Best Shape (circumcised), and Outstanding Commando Performance in Mesh Shorts.

"I never thought I'd be back here," republican Schock said in accepting the best bulge trophy Friday night, "And I am, because of so many of you who are here tonight. We hold bulges, not grudges" the representative continued, referring to his snub in the Best Bend category.

While the CPAC-kage awards are an opportunity for republican congressman to congratulate each other on their members, this year the short-list of nominees demonstrated the glaring inconsistencies within the peen voting system. There is an obvious explanation; aggressive marketing and laziness on the part of voters. In an ideal world, shaft voters should take in an interest in the penis as a whole, and not leave themselves vulnerable to the marketing juggernaut that hurtles through congress every year.

Though he may have not gotten his much deserved Best Bend CPAC, Schock took home a win in almost every category he was nominated for, only losing out to Rep. Paul Ryan for Biggest Dick.

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