Monday, April 29, 2013

White House Correspondents' Dinner: Obama under fire for calling Quvenzhane Wallis the C-Word

President Barack Obama joked about a wide variety of subjects on Saturday at the annual White House Correspondents' Dinner, but has outraged some with the distasteful quip he made about Quvenzhane Wallis, the Academy Award nominated nine-year old 'Beasts of the Southern Wild' actress.

Obama began his speech by entering to the rap track "All I Do Is Win" and went on to joke about not being "the strapping young Muslim Socialist" that he used to be. He followed with "And Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a cunt, right?" He then went on to a presentation of shots featuring himself with his wife's bangs.

Following the dinner there was a social media outcry, with many deeming the joke as cheap and out of place. Former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin critiqued the event tweeting "the rest of America is out there working our asses off while these DC assclowns throw themselves a #cuntprom," joining Obama in his use of the most offensive term to describe female genitalia.

In an apology released by the White House, Obama stated that the joke “was crude and offensive, not to mention inconsistent with the president’s commitment to humor, however biting.” This marks Obama’s second apology in recent months for his use of derogatory terms. Earlier this year he referred to House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi as his “cracker dyke.”

Friday, April 26, 2013

Senate Seizes CISPA; States Scantiness Solving Cybersecurity

On Thursday, US News stated that cyber security legislation, CISPA, was shelved by the Senate, citing statements made by staff of the U.S. Senate Task Force on Commerce, Science, and Transportation. Michelle Richardson, legislative counsel with the ACLU, said "I suspect it's lifeless at this stage. CISPA is so controversial, so expansive." Richardson speculates it could take several months for new legislation to sign on to a decision on CISPA.

Cybersecurity and privacy stand as subsequent special interests that seem to show no sign of succeeding in sync. Sure, spiteful systems specialists, spammers, and other Cybersecurity scares should be served sentences, but society solicits software that safeguards their secrets from spying.

The smallest step in seeing how cybersecurity works is to accept that secret data is being scanned. State officials, officers, and special companies are all screening for suspicious-looking Internet activities. Spammers and scornful hacks into sites are  a small set of several standard cybercrimes. Some serious concerns are attempts to strike “citizen support structures” (such as electricity and sewage services, and cellphone systems), or civilians. In the subtext of all this speak of sharing and scrutinizing, what CISPA seems to be about is securing the companies that send the data from being sued for doing so.

This is CISPA’s second stab to score Senate support, and its success is not certain especially given the President’s sharply stated sense to veto CISPA in it's standard skeleton. ACLU’s Richardson says, “Several are spouting about Siria and the sequestration and they don't see that CISPA is spacious and sweeps up several standard activities. It's not the same sort of syllabus sized by the senate last season.”

Schlocky standard solutions stand somewhere, surely securing seemingly small citizens' secrets.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Massive manhunt for Boston bombing suspect, I think

This photo may or may not have something to do with it
Law enforcement in the city of Boston, and I'm pretty sure it's Boston, are engaged in a massive sweep for maybe one or two…possibly three suspects in the Boston Marathon bombing. The chase began last night…or possibly early this morning…when an MIT campus officer was shot or somehow killed after discovering the subjects either planting or throwing explosives. The subjects then robbed a 7/11, or some convenience store.

Then explosives were thrown. I'm not quite sure where or when, but there was also a car chase so it could have happened during that. They somehow got home though and police found them. There was a shootout or something. Police shot suspect one, who is being referred to as Black Hat. He might have been running at them and he may have had a bomb or something strapped to him. You know what, maybe this was when they were throwing the explosives. Anyway, he died for sure, but his brother, White Hat, fled or drove away, possibly running over the dead or still alive body of Black Hat. Oh, and I think this is when Black Hat either detonated his explosives strapped to him or didn't, I'm not sure.

Police have suspicions of more suspects, maybe. Do you know? Maybe they're just being overly cautious or maybe more people are involved, I don't know. But Boston is in a virtual lockdown because police and FBI and maybe some more people are searching. There was a hostage situation but it was possibly unrelated.

A suspect was apprehended and maybe had a suicide vest and was holding a switch. A kill switch or detonator or something. It might be White Hat. I don't know, why are you even asking me? I don't know why I'm even writing this, it has nothing to do with politics.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Tragedy strikes [city]

At least [number] dead and [number] were injured during a [tragic incident] [on/at] [location] in [city] [day of week]. [Summary of incident], wreaking havoc on [city] and filling citizens with fear and uncertainty. Paramedics treated several victims at the scene, and police ordered bystanders to leave the area. The dead included [number] year old [boy/girl] [name].

"[Quote from someone at the scene]", said [name of someone at the scene], adding that [he/she] was devastated to witness such an unexpected tragedy.

President [current president] is expected to address the nation shortly. A memorial service will be held for the victims.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Pro-knife movement to arm unborn babies

Congress Steve Stockman (R-Texas), pro-knife advocate, has introduced H.R. 1526, the Weapons for Unborn Act of 2013 - a bill to require doctors performing abortions to arm unwanted fetuses with a choice of close combat weapon.

"I have one concern: protecting developing infants from dangerous abortion doctor predators," Stockman explained. "By arming qualified embryos and fetuses, we can create a safer situation for our unborn children."

The legislation has started a new social and political movement arguing that the human fetus and embryo is a person and therefore has a right to bear arms. The pro-knife movement now includes a variety of organizations and supporters with diverse arguments and rationales, with some activist allowing for unarmed abortions in exceptional circumstances such as the fetus having a history of criminal activity.

If the bill passes, women wanting to arm their embryo as soon as possible can take the controversial Plan-Blade pill, which implants a weapon next to a zygote as it attaches to the uterine wall.

"Clearly, an abortion ban is not wanted and it's time to try a new approach" the Congressman said in a statement today. "Human life begins at conception, with protection."

Stockman is expected to introduce another bill next week that will legalize same-sex marriage for fetuses only.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Obama Money Plan Bad

Today, Obama made public his money plan for this year, which not anyone likes. It will not move through congress and it will not make jobs. No money plan can do that by itself though. Already, no one in congress likes it.

John Boehner did attack the plan again and again and Bernie Sanders said he would attack it too because of the cost of things that some people think all people have a right to. Other people in congress are not happy for it because it was made to make every person like it. 

Obama does not even like it very much. "It’s not the plan I want to use to pay less bills, it’s something I’m able to like," the president said four days ago. "It has things many of you have said they could like as well. It’s a way we can make things better together."

The money plan wants people with a lot of money to pay more tax and the government to give less money to old people but still give enough money to schools and roads. The plan will also still give money to space programs to put a person on a moving rock in space.

Monday, April 8, 2013

Dick Cheney Shared 'Criminal Thoughts' With Psychiatrist Before Iraq Invasion

Documents unsealed last week revealed that accused war criminal Dick Cheney shared "thoughts of willful killing and torture" with government psychiatrists in February of 2003.

According to an affidavit detailing a report, a mental health professional warned that Cheney was a "danger to the world." The alleged war criminal told psychiatrists that he "yearned to make a lot of money, even if it meant the deaths and inhumane treatment of civilians" There was no order for a psychiatric hold which would have detained Cheney for evaluation and possibly helped to prevent 60,000 civilian deaths and $39.5 billion in Iraq-related contracts for his Houston based oilfield services company.

"We had to invade iraq," said accused mass murderer James E. Holmes, "I think it was the smartest thing Dick Cheney helped do. He restored confidence in America."

Friday, April 5, 2013

Shaking in Fear, Oil Covered Congress Presses Obama to Approve Keystone XL Pipeline

Covered in what appears to be various amounts of crude oil, Congress is increasing pressure on the Obama administration to approve work on the long-delayed Keystone XL oil sand pipeline. They argue that the pipeline, which plans to carry large volumes of heavy oil from the Canadian tar sands to the southern United States, will help lower the nation's energy cost, create more jobs, and provide a boost to the economy.

"Please help us,” cried Rep. Lee Terry (R-Neb), as he desperately tried to wipe black, sticky oil out of his matted hair. "Exxon Mobil promises Keystone XL is primed to give our economy a shot in the arm and make energy more affordable."

Earlier this week, Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) made the case that Keystone XL is an opportunity to meaningfully expand our nation's energy infrastructure and create thousands of jobs, and can do so without coating our government officials in another thick layer of valuable resources.

A bipartisan group of House Members on the Energy and Commerce Committee recently unveiled a discussion draft of legislation to "clear away the vast amounts of oil that is flooding Capitol Hill." Though some members of congress have pointed out that the project carries environment risks, most have grown tired and hypothermic from being completely and helplessly covered in poisonous substances every day.

Currently, TransCanada’s proposed pipeline is still under Obama administration review. The president is literally under pressure from the oil industry, trapped in a tank of heavy oil, until the pipeline is approved.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

The BRAIN Initiative: Obama’s Announcement

Barack rubbed weakly at his temples, which were sore and rough to the touch. He breathed slowly, in and out, as he tried to focus his racing mind, burdened by the thoughts of millions. He noticed through the window the slightest shift of light from the setting sun as he made his way to a makeshift podium, isolated and ready for him to make the announcement: one that would change humanity.

He was not yet used to the increased sensitivity to light and sound, the endless knowledge, or the frequent migraines and muscle aches that were to be expected, but still crippling. Though it had been months since the start of what is now being referred to as the BRAIN Initiative, it felt as if only hours had passed since Barack was buried in a lab miles below society, stretched across a table, his body a host to the thousands of cables attached. His arms still tingled where IVs had been, his body remained covered in blemishes from the fiducials, and though makeup and prosthetics hid it well, his head still itched as his skin slowly recovered from neuroshock induced burns.

As he shuffled past two reporters, he noticed their concerned faces. He was weak, dehydrated, and his pigmentation made it difficult to appear as anything close to healthy. He reached the podium and looked out into the standing, applauding crowd. Everything was so loud to him now. He inhaled deeply, and began to speak.

"Thank you so much. Thank you, everybody. Please have a seat."

Barack blinked about ten times trying to maintain composure as the crowd slowly settled into their chairs.

"Today, as your Scientist-in-Chief, I have invited some of the smartest people in the country, some of the most imaginative and effective researchers, to introduce to you a brave new front in innovation."

The audience broke into another applause. Barack forcibly held his eyes shut as a ringing pierced through the back of his eyes. He continued speaking with hollow stamina.

"As humans, we can identify galaxies light years away, we can study particles smaller than an atom, and today, we have begun to unlock the mystery of the three pounds of matter that sits between my ears."

The crowd murmured in laughter. In the few seconds before he spoke again, Barack effortlessly extrapolated the emotions, intelligences, and lives of everyone in the White House pressroom. Recently he had gotten better at retaining and sorting through the vast amounts of data. He - He needed more water and he wondered how long he had been silent in front of them.

"The BRAIN Initiative has given us the tools we need to understand how we think, how we learn, and how we remember." He continued his speech carefully, sheltering the world from his recent horrid and painful experiences. "And that is why it is so absolutely important. It has created the future we are imagining.”

In the next moment, Barack closed his eyes and concentrated deeply into his surroundings. He gently obtained an increasingly strong connection to everything and everyone in the room. Feeling the same sense of power he discovered during his initial tests and trainings in the lab, he steadily began to lift himself off the ground, surrounded and almost empowered by the amazement of the astonished congregation.

"This is the year I was finally born," he said, his voice projecting with brilliance. "We have the chance to improve the lives of not just millions, but billions of people on this planet." The podium and surrounding equipment weightlessly joined him in the air. "It's ambitious, but as you can see, achievable."

The hue of Barack's skin altered slightly, turning dark yellow. He spoke louder, but calmly, as a visible blue haze of energy emitted around him. "It's going to require us as a country to embody and embrace this spirit of discovery that is what made me-" He stopped suddenly, dropping to the floor with the surrounding objects.

The audience let out a collective gasp. Assistants and medical personal hurried to the attention of the fallen President. The leader of the United States, who was moments before levitating with unseen power, laid lifelessly on the floor.

Though he could not open his eyes, Barack wondered as he was being placed on a stretcher, if the world had been ready for this announcement, this ambitious display. His concern diminished quickly as he reminded himself that the BRAIN initiative, Barack's Rapid Acquisition of Intelligence through Neuroreplication, had long been out of his control.

Monday, April 1, 2013

Kim Jong-Un: Recent Threats just a Hilarious April Fools' Day Prank

The past few months have brought increasingly troubling threats coming from North Korea, but today the leader of the dictatorial regime, Kim Jong-Un, announced they were all part an elaborate prank to celebrate today's practical joke holiday.

"I can't believe you guys actually thought we had intentions to target a strike on the United States and that you all really believed we were serious when we referred to the nation with one of the largest militaries as the 'sworn enemy of the Korean people,'" Kim chuckled, "You should have seen your faces."

President of South Korea, Park Geun-hye, stated she was in on the joke as well. "Kim and I thought it would be hilarious if the Democratic People's Republic of Korea withdrew nonaggression pacts and declared a state of war with South Korea," Park laughed, "As if a poor and defenseless country would really do something that crazy!"

The United States previously condemned Kim Jong-Un's orders to prepare the nation's missile forces for a strike as "bellicose rhetoric," but today U.S. Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel laughed it off in a statement saying, "They got us good."

After carrying out several prolonged jokes, Kim declared himself the supreme leader of April Fool's Day pranks. Kim laughed, "I can't wait to see the looks on those 200,000 concentration camp detainees' faces when I tell them their years of torture and other cruel, inhuman and degrading treatment and punishments, along with those silly public executions, were all just a practical joke."